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When you have a friend that has had a miscarriage there is a lot you can do to help her. Many times we are afraid to say anything because we don’t want to say the wrong thing but not saying anything at all can be just as bad. So what should you say and what should not you say. I’ve had three miscarriages myself and have heard a great deal of things which were just not the right things to say. I’ve assembled a list of items you can say and things you probably should not. Please be gentle with your friends that are coping with miscarriage. They need your support. Things that you should say.

Do call her and tell her you’re sorry for her loss.
Do send her a card or flowers to show you care
Do let her talk as much as she wants to or wants to.
Do give her a hug to let her know you care.
Do offer to assist with housework, babysitting or other things that she may not feel up to doing.
Do acknowledge her baby.
It is okay to say I don’t know what to say I do not know how to help. The pain does not go away in a couple days.
Give her extra attention. She wants to feel like other people care about what she is going through.
Do ask if she wants to discuss it.
Things you shouldn’t say.

At least it happened early in the pregnancy until you actually got attached.
It was God’s will
I understand how you feel. Even if you have had more than one miscarriage, you might not know how she is feeling.
It was just 1 miscarriage.
I know a friend that had such and such miscarriages and she’s children now.
It was nature’s way of getting rid of defective chromosomes.
At least you have one child
I do not understand why you’re so upset.
Perhaps you should consider adoption, not having children.
Don’t not talk about it. Don’t avoid her.
Don’t attempt to cheer her up. She probably doesn’t want to be cheered up and by doing this you are not acknowledging her pain.
It may be hard for her to be around children or pregnant women. But do not avoid being around her if you are pregnant or have children.

Do share your experience but this isn’t the time to go on about how bad things were for you. She needs your support.

If she does get pregnant again, do not dismiss her anxiety by saying things like lots of women have spotting, cramping, etc.. Be optimistic but acknowledge her fears.


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